Marriage from an Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church Perspective: Part II- Pre-Marriage

Marriage is a sacred union that requires thoughtful preparation and divine guidance. Before choosing a spouse, it is essential to seek God's wisdom through prayer and fasting, making decisions grounded in faith, virtue, and spiritual maturity. This essay examines the key considerations in choosing a spouse from an Orthodox Christian perspective, specifically that of the Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church. It highlights the importance of seeking God's will, prioritizing character over external qualities, and committing to a lifelong union rooted in faith and love.

Essential Preparations Before Choosing a Spouse

1.     Steadfast in Prayer and Fasting

Before marriage, prayer and fasting are crucial, aligning the heart with God’s will and inviting divine wisdom into the decision-making process. Christ Himself emphasized the necessity of prayer in all aspects of life: “ሳይታክቱም ዘወትር ሊጸልዩ እንዲገባቸው የሚል ምሳሌን ነገራቸው::” (Luke 18:1). Likewise, the early Church practiced fasting as a means of seeking divine guidance: “እነዚህም ጌታን ሲያመልኩና ሲጦሙ መንፈስ ቅዱስ፦ በርናባስንና ሳውልን ለጠራኋቸው ሥራ ለዩልኝ አለ። በዚያን ጊዜም ከጦሙ ከጸለዩም እጃቸውንም ከጫኑ በኋላ አሰናበቱአቸው።” (Acts 13:2-3).

Through prayer and fasting, one gains strength against worldly temptations and prepares spiritually for the sacred commitment of marriage.

2.     Seeking God’s Will in Choosing a Spouse

Marriage is not merely a personal decision but a divine calling. Scripture instructs, “በፍጹም ልብህ በእግዚአብሔር ታመን፥ በራስህም ማስተዋል አትደገፍ፤ በመንገድህ ሁሉ እርሱን እወቅ፥ እርሱም ጎዳናህን ያቀናልሃል።” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Seeking God’s will through prayer, scriptural reflection, and the counsel of spiritual fathers ensures that marriage is built on divine wisdom rather than fleeting emotions.

The importance of identifying God's will apply not only to marriage but to every aspect of life. “ስለዚህ የጌታ ፈቃድ ምን እንደ ሆነ አስተውሉ እንጂ ሞኞች አትሁኑ።” (Ephesians 5:17). Likewise, the Psalmist prays, “አንተ አምላኬ ነህና ፈቃድህን ለማድረግ አስተምረኝ፤ ቅዱስ መንፈስህም በጽድቅ ምድር ይምራኝ።” (Psalm 143:10). Therefore, it is essential to pray, saying, “Lord Jesus Christ, grant me a companion of Your choice, one who will help me remain in Your house.”

True blessings in marriage come from God’s provision, as King Solomon affirms: “አስተዋይ ሚስት ግን ከእግዚአብሔር ዘንድ ናት።” (Proverbs 19:14). Both individuals should earnestly seek the Lord’s guidance in prayer when choosing a spouse, trusting that His wisdom will guide them.

How to Know God’s Will When Choosing a Spouse?

Seeking God’s will in choosing a spouse begins with prayer and listening to the inner voice of the soul. The Orthodox Christian tradition teaches that true guidance comes through the peace of the Holy Spirit. As St. Paul writes, “በአንድ አካልም የተጠራችሁለት ደግሞ የክርስቶስ ሰላም በልባችሁ ይግዛ፤ የምታመሰግኑም ሁኑ።” (Colossians 3:15), which means that true peace, after prayer and reflection, can signal God’s guidance. However, this requires careful thought. It is crucial to ensure that this decision is not driven by fleshly desires. This process involves patience, wisdom, and time, ensuring the choice aligns with both faith and purpose.

What Things Need to be Considered While Choosing a Spouse?

The Church teaches that choosing a spouse should be rooted in faith, virtue (መልካምነት/በጎነት), and spiritual maturity, rather than in external factors like wealth or physical beauty. A godly marriage is built on a shared commitment to Christ and the aspiration toward holiness, not material gain.

Below are key criteria for choosing a spouse, supported by biblical verses:

1. Shared Faith

A strong spiritual foundation is essential for marriage within the Church. A chosen spouse should be someone who shares and strengthens each other's faith. As Scripture says, “ከማያምኑ ጋር በማይመች አካሄድ አትጠመዱ፤ ጽድቅ ከዓመፅ ጋር ምን ተካፋይነት አለውና? ብርሃንም ከጨለማ ጋር ምን ኅብረት አለው?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Marrying someone who does not share our faith is forbidden. As St. Paul teaches, marriage symbolizes the union between Jesus Christ and the Church. When a believer marries an unbeliever, this sacred mystery is disrupted, failing to reflect the unity of Christ and His Church. Therefore, marriage should only be within the faith. However, if the chosen spouse is from outside our faith, marriage may be allowed after they study the basic doctrines of the Church and receive baptism (1 Cor. 7:12-17; ፍትሐ ነገስት አንቀጽ  24, ቍጥር 912-915).

2.     Godly Character Over Physical Beauty

While attraction is natural, physical beauty is temporary and should not be the main criterion for choosing a spouse. Instead, inner beauty and a godly heart should be prioritized. Scripture says, “ውበት ሐሰት ነው፥ ደም ግባትም ከንቱ ነው፤ እግዚአብሔርን የምትፈራ ሴት ግን እርስዋ ትመሰገናለች።” (Proverbs 31:30).

3.     Virtue and Good Manner over Wealth 

Material wealth is not a reliable foundation for a lasting and godly marriage. True riches come from spiritual wisdom, righteousness, and contentment in Christ. Scripture says, “እግዚአብሔርን ከመፍራት ጋር ያለ ጥቂት ነገር ሁከት ካለበት ከብዙ መዝገብ ይሻላል” (Proverbs 15:16). Similarly, Proverbs 22:1 teaches, “መልካም ስም ከብዙ ባለጠግነት ይሻላል፥ መልካምም ሞገስ ከብርና ከወርቅ ይበልጣል.”

For those preparing for marriage, the criteria should be based on shared spirituality within the same faith, Christian ethics, and good character and manners. Marriages founded on wealth, fame, or beauty often do not last, and the outcome is frequently disappointing. As these material aspects fade over time, marriage may weaken. Therefore, the focus should be on spirituality and good character. When these foundations are met, wealth and other concerns can follow with time and effort.

4.     Commitment to a Lifelong Union

Marriage is a sacred covenant that should be entered with the intention of lifelong faithfulness, mirroring Christ’s love for the Church. It is not something to be approached with the mindset of “I will try it, and if it doesn’t work, I will leave.” Except for certain exceptions, which will be discussed in upcoming essays, marriage is intended to last for life. It is essential to thoroughly examine the situation before choosing a spouse and to seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in making decisions. Matthew 19:6 supports this: “ስለዚህ አንድ ሥጋ ናቸው እንጂ ወደ ፊት ሁለት አይደሉም። እግዚአብሔር ያጣመረውን እንግዲህ ሰው አይለየው።” This emphasizes that marriage is meant to be a lifelong commitment, with the exceptions allowed in Scriptures.

5.     Spiritual and Emotional Maturity

A spouse should be wise, patient, and self-controlled, capable of bearing one another’s burdens in love. Although 1 Timothy 3:2 is written for servants in Church order, it is equally applicable to Orthodox Christian husbands. The verse states: “እንግዲህ ኤጲስ ቆጶስ እንዲህ ሊሆን ይገባዋል፤ የማይነቀፍ፥ የአንዲት ሚስት ባል፥ ልከኛ፥ ራሱን የሚገዛ፥ እንደሚገባው የሚሰራ፥ እንግዳ ተቀባይ፥ ለማስተማር የሚበቃ፥ የማይሰክር፥ የማይጨቃጨቅ ነገር ግን ገር የሆነ፥ የማይከራከር፥ ገንዘብን የማይወድ፥ ልጆቹን በጭምትነት ሁሉ እየገዛ የራሱን ቤት በመልካም የሚያስተዳድር፤” The same applies to wives as well.

Similarly, mental preparation is important during this pre-marriage stage. This involves reading or learning about marriage from a faith perspective, understanding life after marriage, recognizing that one's spouse will be the closest person, choosing to surrender oneself to the spouse, and preparing to face future challenges with patience.

6.     Purity and Respect for Holiness

A marriage should be founded on a commitment to purity and righteousness, drawing both spouses closer to God. 1 Thessalonians 4:7 reveals, “ለርኵሰት ሳይሆን እግዚአብሔር በቅድስና ጠርቶናልና።” Matthew 5:8 also affirms, “ልበ ንጹሖች ብፁዓን ናቸው፥ እግዚአብሔርን ያዩታልና።”

7.     Readiness for Family Life

Marriage carries the responsibility of raising children in faith and fostering a loving, godly household. Therefore, it is essential to be prepared for this responsibility. The Bible affirms this, as stated in Genesis 1:28: “እግዚአብሔርም ባረካቸው፥ እንዲህም አላቸው፦ ብዙ፥ ተባዙ፥ ምድርንም ሙሉአት፥.” Similarly, Proverbs 22:6 supports this notion: “ልጅን በሚሄድበት መንገድ ምራው፥ በሸመገለም ጊዜ ከእርሱ ፈቀቅ አይልም።”

8.     Reasonable Age Difference

A significant age gap can impact married life in various ways. Over time, it may introduce challenges, such as differences in physical strength, emotional needs, and life expectations. A more balanced age difference fosters mutual understanding and companionship throughout life. The Scripture reflects this, stating, “በውኑ ሁለት ሰዎች ሳይስማሙ በአንድነት ይሄዳሉን??” (Amos 3:3) – emphasizing the importance of harmony and shared life stages. Similarly, Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us, “ለሁሉ ዘመን አለው፥ ከሰማይ በታችም ለሆነ ነገር ሁሉ ጊዜ አለው።” – a reminder that different seasons of life bring distinct needs.

9.     Managing Pressure from Peers, and Family

While it is good to seek advice from parents, family, and trusted spiritual mentors, the final decision in choosing a spouse must be guided by prayerful discernment and inner conviction. One should not enter into marriage simply to please others, especially if their soul and the Holy Spirit do not bring peace and willingness toward the proposed person. Forced or pressured decisions can lead to spiritual and emotional struggles later. The Bible cautions on this stating, “ሰውን መፍራት ወጥመድ ያመጣል፤ በእግዚአብሔር የሚታመን ግን እርሱ ይጠበቃል።” (Proverbs 29:25) – warning against making choices driven by fear of disappointing others.

After Choosing Each Other: What Should Orthodox Spouses Do and Avoid During Betrayal Periods (በእጮኝነት ጊዜ)?

During this period, Orthodox spouses must follow specific spiritual, moral, and practical guidelines to prepare for a holy marriage and avoid temptations.

What Betrothed Couples Should Do

1.     Maintain Purity and Chastity

The betrothal period is not yet marriage, and physical intimacy is strictly prohibited until the sacrament of Holy Matrimony is completed.

This is supported by biblical teachings, as expressed in 1 Corinthians 6:18: "ከዝሙት ሽሹ። ሰው የሚያደርገው ኃጢአት ሁሉ ከሥጋ ውጭ ነው፤ ዝሙትን የሚሠራ ግን በገዛ ሥጋው ላይ ኃጢአትን ይሠራል።"

Additionally, Hebrews 13:4 reminds us of the sanctity of the marriage bed: "መጋባት በሁሉ ዘንድ ክቡር መኝታውም ንጹሕ ይሁን፤ ሴሰኞችንና አመንዝሮችን ግን እግዚአብሔር ይፈርድባቸዋል።"

2.     Develop Spiritual Unity

The betrothed couple can pray together in the Church and grow in their faith, attending Church services, and seeking God’s guidance through faith. Regular participation in worship and liturgy strengthens their relationship with God and with each other. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 encourages this stating: "ሳታቋርጡ ጸልዩ፤ በሁሉ አመስግኑ…”

3.     Receive Premarital Counseling from the Church

The Church often offers spiritual counseling to help couples understand the depth of their responsibilities in marriage. Through learning about Orthodox Christian marriage, the roles within it, and the sacrificial love it requires, couples are better prepared for a strong and lasting union. Proverbs 11:14 reminds us: “ምክር ከሌለች ዘንድ የታሰበው ሳይሳካ ይቀራል፤ መካሮች በበዙበት ዘንድ ግን ይጸናል።”

4.     Respect Parental and Church Guidance

Seeking the blessing of parents and spiritual fathers is important. Obedience to the wisdom of elders helps the couple avoid mistakes. Ephesians 6:2 affirms this “መልካም እንዲሆንልህ ዕድሜህም በምድር ላይ እንዲረዝም አባትህንና እናትህን አክብር፤ እርስዋም የተስፋ ቃል ያላት ፊተኛይቱ ትእዛዝ ናት።”

Marriage as a mystery is valid only when celebrated within the orders of Crown (ሥርዓተ ተክሊል) or Eucharist (በሥርዓተ ቍርባን). Church law prohibits celebrating marriage outside these two orders (ፍትሐ ነገሥት አንቀጽ 24፣ ምዕ. 25፣ ክፍል 2). For believers who have remained virgins, marriage is celebrated in the order of Crown (ሥርዓተ ተክሊል), while others are married through the order of Eucharist (በሥርዓተ ቍርባን/መዓስብ). Though the two orders share similar blessings, those married in the order of the Crown receive a crown to honor their virginity. If one of the spouses has remained a virgin, they may be blessed with a crown separately (ፍትሐ ነገሥት አንቀጽ 24፡ ቁጥር 906).

What Orthodox Betrothed Couples Should Avoid?

5.     Avoid Being Together in Private Places

Even though they are committed, being together in private places before marriage can lead to serious temptation and sin. The temptation of intimacy and unguarded conversations should be avoided. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 reminds us: “ከማናቸውም ዓይነት ክፉ ነገር ራቁ።” The Church also teaches the importance of modesty, self-control, and avoiding situations that may lead to sin. Scripture warns, “ምኞቱንም እንዲፈጽም ለሥጋ አታስቡ።” (Romans 13:14).

6.     Avoid Secret Marriages

Orthodox Christian marriage is a sacred sacrament (ምስጢር) that must be performed in the Church. Hasty, secret, or purely civil marriages contradict the teachings of the Church. The Scripture reminds us, “እግዚአብሔር ቤትን ካልሠራ፥ ሠራተኞች በከንቱ ይደክማሉ፤ እግዚአብሔር ከተማን ካልጠበቀ፥ ጠባቂ በከንቱ ይተጋል።” (Psalm 127:1), emphasizing that a true marriage must be established in the Church and blessed by God.

How to Overcome Challenges During Betrothal (በእጮኝነት ጊዜ)

1.     Set Clear Boundaries

The couple must agree to respect each other’s purity and establish limits to avoid temptation. They should communicate honestly and openly about expectations.

2.     Seek Spiritual Support

Regularly meeting with a spiritual father helps them stay accountable. They should fast and pray for strength.

3.     Focus on the Purpose of Marriage

The goal is not just companionship but a lifelong journey to holiness. Meditating on Ephesians 5:22-33, which describes Christ’s love for the Church as a model for marriage, helps maintain a God-centered relationship.

By following these principles, Orthodox betrothed couples honor God, protect their future marriage, and build a strong spiritual foundation for their life together.

Conclusion

Choosing a spouse is a significant decision that should be approached with prayer, discernment, and spiritual guidance. By prioritizing shared faith, virtuous character, and a commitment to lifelong faithfulness, one builds a marriage grounded in divine wisdom. In this sacred covenant, the Holy Spirit's guidance leads to a union that reflects Christ’s love for His Church, ensuring that the marriage remains with strength and grace.